


Amazing Rap Skirmishes of Fiction: Fitzsimmons vs. Cleon

by wordwarrior (regachoisiah)



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), Biohazard | Resident Evil (Gameverse), Epic Rap Battles of History (Web Series), Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Adorable FitzSimmons (Agents of SHIELD), Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. Spoilers, Battle Couple, Biohazard | Resident Evil 2 Spoilers, Crossover, Epic Battles, Episode: s03e10 Maveth, Game: Resident Evil 2, Game: Resident Evil 6, Game: Resident Evil 7, Game: Resident Evil CODE: Veronica, Game: Resident Evil VIllAGE, Hydra (Marvel), Las Plagas (Resident Evil), Marvel versus Capcom, Movie: Biohazard | Resident Evil: Damnation, Movie: Biohazard | Resident Evil: Degeneration, Movie: Resident Evil: Vendetta, Post-Resident Evil: Degeneration, Punk Rock, Rap Battles, Rap Music, SHIELD, Silent Hill References, Spoilers, T-Virus (Resident Evil), Umbrella Corporation (Resident Evil)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-01
Updated: 2021-02-01
Packaged: 2021-03-18 18:01:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,121
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29122347
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/regachoisiah/pseuds/wordwarrior
Summary: It's the biochemist-engineer duo of S.H.I.E.L.D. versus the main protagonists of "Resident Evil 2". And now...they're facing off to prove which couple/ship is the better rap duo...
Relationships: Jemma Simmons/Grant Ward, Leo Fitz/Alphonso "Mack" Mackenzie, Leo Fitz/Jemma Simmons, Leon S. Kennedy/Claire Redfield, Steve Burnside/Claire Redfield, Will Daniels/Jemma Simmons, mentioned only
Comments: 1
Kudos: 2
Collections: Amazing Rap Skirmishes of Fiction





	Amazing Rap Skirmishes of Fiction: Fitzsimmons vs. Cleon

## AMAZING RAP SKIRMISHES OF FICTION! 

## FITZSIMMONS (LEO FITZ / JEMMA SIMMONS)

## 

## VERSUS

## CLEON (CLAIRE REDFIELD / LEON S. KENNEDY)

## 

## BEGIN!

* * *

[(In case you want a beat while you read this, I was listening to this while writing the lyrics out)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CDinn4E0nxs&ab_channel=shu)

**Jemma Simmons**

Jemma Simmons here, biochemist rocking two PhDs

My mind's sharp, so I can spit these hot rhymes with ease

I can't believe these idiots are pulling us out of retirement

But since they wanna throw hands, I'm prepared to get violent

**Leo Fitz**

Leo Fitz, S.H.I.E.L.D. engineer expert here to answer the call 

Of these Resident Evil pricks who are about to take a massive fall

How can Jemma and I lose this, we're the greatest MCU couple

While Leon and Claire were never together, the Cleon fans are stuck in their bubble

**Jemma Simmons**

Now that we addressed your crappy ship, let's go individual

While I respect strong women, Claire's character is just pitiful

Claire Redfield, you're only popular because of your Redfield relation

Hell, Capcom didn't even make you the female lead in "Resident Evil: Degeneration" - 

\- and that movie was billed as a reunion between you and Leon

Your screen-time got taken by Angela Miller for no ree-zonn

No one remembers "Code: Veronica", all your appearances flop like in "Darkside"

Hell, Capcom disrespected you by trying to pair you up with Steve Burnside

It's because you're trash, you suck, you're a joke in the gaming world

Who cares about you when everyone knows Jill Valentine is best girl 

**Leo Fitz**

Enough with the lesser Redfield, let's talk about Beck from iCarly

People say that you're the best RE character, but I say you suck largely

You're a dull character, your personality is as stale as your game's plot

I've seen more emotion from Ethan when he saw Mia get shot-

-and that guy's not even the face of your franchise, you got outshined by the new guy

That's why he's the new main, since your relevance post-RE6 died

Degeneration was a let-down, Damnation was a failure

And the only reason people went to see Vendetta was because of Rebecca Chambers

You never should've messed with Fitzsimmons, we destroy our enemies

Call me Jello Biafra, because my legacy is Dead Kennedys 

* * *

**Claire Redfield**

You two British pricks done? Must be tiring to spew nothing but shit

Now Leon and I are up to destroy the duo Simmons-Fitz

Oh, that's not your ship name? You're saying it's the other way around?

Well get used to it because there's plenty more ways you two can get clowned

**Leon S. Kennedy**

And yes we're not actually a couple, we never claimed that we were together 

But at least we're great on our own, you two were introduced with a tether

It wasn't "Fitz and Simmons", it was "Fitzsimmons" as one entity 

Which is why in the early seasons, you two barely had your own identities

**Claire Redfield**

Great point Leon, which leads me to dollar store Peggy Carter

You had potential, but all of that was squandered 

You had a crush on Grant Nazi, your grandson's a slaver

And Jemma's a damsel-in-distress, always needing Fitz to save her

From Maveth to Kasius, you're clearly the love interest to his superhero

You got shot by Fitz while trying to save him, you're a fucking super-zero

But was your romance even good? You abandoned Fitz when he had hypoxia

And it's not like you needed to go, Bobbi already infiltrated the HYDRA mafia

And I know the astronaut died for you, I respect Will Daniels

But your show fucked up with your poorly-written love triangle

**Leon S. Kennedy**

Shots fired, Claire, now it's my time to roast these fucks

Going from Rey's untalented sister to Mr. Brave-schmuck 

Fitz, let's talk. I think you're actually hurting Jemma with just your presence 

Because how can you rap when you can't even form a complete sentence

You're already carrying a ton of baggage, in addition to being mentally challenged

It's not even an insult when I say you're literally brain-damaged 

Oh, do those bars offend? You wanna go there? 

I don't care if I offend, what are you gonna do, strap me to a chair - 

\- and slice my neck open, like you did to your friend Daisy?

The fact she forgave you for that shows your writers are just lazy

* * *

**Leo Fitz**

Man, fuck off, you don't know anything about us

I did what I had to do to survive, you don't have the guts - 

\- to do our line of work, you Resident Evil bitches have it easy 

All your villains are one-dimensional, either they're mad or sleazy

You're up to RE8 and the writing still hasn't improved 

Your hottest game in recent years was just the second one renewed

Resident Evil 6 flopped, all your multiplayer games flopped

And now you're ripping off Silent Hill's aesthetics, boy, you better stop.

**Jemma Simmons**

We're not done with you two yet, I'm just tagging myself in

Reasons why Resident Evil sucks, where do I even begin

There's no direction, major characters are introduced and forgotten

And it's the same plot every time, "those bio-terrorists are rotten!"

For our show, we changed it up thanks to our talented writers

We went to space, the future, and even teamed up with Ghost Rider

Your games, all you do is change up the fucking plague

From the T-virus, to Las Plagas, to the mold, do something else for fuck's sake!

* * *

**Leon S. Kennedy**

You criticizing us for being repetitive? You kept bringing back HYDRA!

For a show that's anti-Nazi, those fascists kept your story alive-a

Agents of SHIELD sucks, that's a well-known fact 

When it comes to the whole MCU, you leave no lasting impact 

But let's bring it back to you two, because I got more to say

Fitz shouldn't have been with Simmons since it was obvious he was gay

Why else did imaginary Jemma thirst over Mack's body

And remember, Jemma said she had no feelings for Fitz when talking to Bobbi

**Claire Redfield**

Another great point, you two are the definition of forced romance 

You only got together was because your writers caved in to fan demand

While I admit my series may have its flaws and it's true the writing varies

We're still here since the nineties, while your show will get buried -

\- by Kevin Feige, because he's embarrassed by your show's existence

Even if your writing had brilliance, Feige would rather your show be distanced

Since we're at the end, me and Leon wish you two fucks goodbye

And by the way, Fitz should've stayed dead at the end of season five 

* * *

## WHO WON? YOU DECIDE!

## AMAZING RAP SKIRMISHES OF FICTION!

**Author's Note:**

> AN1: The "Beck from iCarly" jab is a reference to how Avan Jogia (who plays Beck) is playing Leon S. Kennedy in the reboot
> 
> AN2: "Brave-schmuck" = Braveheart reference, in case if it wasn't obvious


End file.
